expecting the unexpected?

wow! i'm completely thrown. more than usual. sometimes i have to stop myself and try to get a handle on what it is i think i'm doing exactly. my situation seems to change almost daily and it's always about expecting the unexpected. and of course this relates mostly to the men in my life . . . and those that aren't in my life for that matter.

why is it that adults make such . . . bad decisions? i guess that's how we learn right? tell me really though, what's so educational about being chased by married men? i seem to have a beacon that calls out to them because over the last . . . oh, six to eight months of my life i've had six, yes i said 6, of them profess their curiousity, passion, obsession, awe struckedness, yes even love, for me. what do i say to that? it's flattering to say the least but i inevetebly get the raw end of that deal. needless to say of course they are all "happily" married (the most hypocritical statement i've ever heard from any of them) and i'm purely . . . forbidden fruit. or at least that's what i've dubbed it as.

so i've managed to shake most of them loose, tried to turn over this new leaf of morality and what not, but they keep coming. and some of them are actually really a lot of fun, interesting, attractive men. but i'm sure their wives think so too. one in particular was all that i could have ever imagined. but in the grand scheme of things he's that to his wife as well and his sense of responsibility was enough to keep him tethered to his family.

not that for one second i would ever, and i mean ever, want anyone to disrupt their family for me. not really an option. so, i have to have that conversation with the newest member of the matrimonial club at breakfast. just where do you think this is going? what delusions are you harboring about me and you? that kind of fun stuff. wanna come? you could be my ref! ha

funny thing is that there are not just married men. there are one or two single men as well. only one that i'm really interested in . . . really, really interested in. he's older, sexy as hell, fun, mature and definitely easy going. scorned by previous relationships which of course makes my job all that much more difficult. we're supposed to talk tomorrow and spend some time together monday. we'll see how all that pans out.

funny thing about him is that i'm beyond intrigued, wildly interested and incredibly turned on by him . . . all of him! hasn't happened in a while but i don't really know his whole story. i know parts of it but the pieces don't all fit together yet. oh, and did i mention it's an incredible challenge? that's probably the most fun of it all. for now anyway.

so, i guess i'll keep you posted and see what transpires over the next day or two. i just needed to get all these thoughts out before i try to sleep. otherwise, there is no rest for the wicked!

night night beautiful. miss you lots.

time on my hands . . .

what the heck is going on here? i had to send the kids to their dad today so it was just me after 10:30am. i cleaned the house, i took a shower and got ready . . . to go nowhere! i went and had a coffee at starbuck's, sat on the patio and read In Style. sounds like a relaxing afternoon right? it's driving me crazy! i don't know what to do with free time. actually, that's not true. i know what i would like to do with my free time but i have no one to do it with.

these are days when i wish you were here. when i wonder what it might be like to call you up and go grab some drinks or dinner or go shopping together. i hate that you are so far away!

so the other part of having time on my hands is spending a whole lot of time thinking . . . thinking about dating, ugh!

i wanted him to call today. thought he might. was obviously mistaken.

why do i feel like i need someone to share my time with? why do i crave companionship? these are the questions that keep me up at night. seriously though, i feel really lonely when the kids aren't here. i'm sure i could find stuff to keep me busy but i really long for the affection . . . attention of the opposite sex. it's not fair.

sometimes i feel like all the good ones are taken or i'll have to wait for 10 more years to find my good one like my parents.

you know what's even more sad? i don't think i really know how to date. i never really did. i had serious relationship #1 through high school and into college with jb and then, with the exception of a few fleeting episodes i can't even call relationships, i went right into marriage! now, at the ripe old age of 29 i feel clueless about the whole process. having a boyfriend again seems like a ridiculous concept.

so, i'm trying to concentrate on me. on figuring out what i really want and who i want it from. you know me though, not the most patient of women. i'm all about the instant gratification!

oh well, i guess i shouldn't complain. some women would kill for free time. i definitely won't be taking it for granted.

lot's of love doll, sleep tight . . .

best friends

once upon a time i met this great girl. we became friends . . . we endured all of life's challenges together; we learned with each other, from each other and about each other; we loved, we cried, we were angry, we were on cloud nine . . . all with each other. we are still friends today, 15 years later. when we were in high school we decided we were going to keep journals for each other. we were going to write in them almost every day and then trade them so that we had the others thoughts to read. we did this religiously . . . for a whole month! i know that doesn't seem significant but it is one of my most cherished possessions.

see, for the past 7 years we haven't lived anywhere near each other. not even in the same country much less state or city. i had decided that a good way to keep her updated would be to use this idea and create a journal that would read like letters to her. when it was full i would send it to her and she would have it to do whatever she wanted with it. recently my privacy was invaded on a very personal level. things in that journal were not meant for other people to read but unfortunately it was. in order to spare additional pain, interrogation and possible future consequences the journal was destroyed. enter the idea to start an anonymous blog!

so, from here on out, the blogs will read like letters to my best friend. she's contemplating starting her own so that we can just trade sites and read each others entries whenever we have time. seems like a great option to me. i love technology!

what is this all about anyway?

wow, so this is interesting isn't it? blogging? sharing your thoughts and feelings with . . . complete strangers . . . the entire universe . . . or worse yet, your friends? ok, ok, so it's not that bad.

a friend turned me on to this. knows i love to write and share too much info so what better way than blogging right? i guess i'll have to say thanks at some point!

ok, i guess i'll give a quick overview of me. i'm a female (although that was probably already fairly evident), i'm in the thirty something range (ok not quite but almost), i have a full time "professional career" (in an office building, don't get too excited), i have two beautiful children (the absolute centers of my world) and i'm getting a divorce (oooh, bet you weren't expecting that one). me in a nutshell i guess. a very small, very vague, cracked nutshell.

basically i just needed a place to vent because lord knows it's hard to find people in this world that want to listen to all your b-s! i'm pretty excited about this even though i feel completely ridiculous for saying that. if nothing else i get my random thoughts out, which helps clear my head, which helps me focus on things like work and my kiddos! it's always good to start the day, or end it, with a purging of all the wackiness that has been swimming around for the past 24-48 hours. i'm sure over the next few entries you'll all figure out why my title is what it is. i'm sure someone in my life, probably very early on, made some passing comment that led me to believe things in life were mostly fair . . . boy were they wrong. that is neither here nor there i suppose. the true test is not accepting that fact but how graceful you deal with the unfair things hurled at you on a regular basis.

enough for now . . .